There are days...

There are days when you just want to be taken care of. There are days that you just want someone to take over everything and you can do nothing. There are days you just want someone to say, "It's okay, I am here" so you can relax. There are days...

I love being single because I am still in the process of learning everything about myself. How I react on certain situations by myself.

I love helping my family, my friends and everyone. I don't want to think of it as a burden but more of a challenge. Maybe it's because there are times that I am tempted to do something else. Some wants to have kids on their own at an early but responsible age, while I, want to travel, splurge on things while I am young and single. Because for me, once you have a family of your own, you no longer have to think of yourself, their needs and wants comes first and I am so not ready for that. As I said, I am in the process of learning about myself.

My uncle always tell me, I am the captain of our family.I am the leader of our generation in our clan. Because I have visions, I always like to plan ahead, I think ahead, and I work ahead. It is actually a flattering statement coming from someone I look up to, but there is a big responsibility that comes with it. I have to make sure that my family, including my cousins are all okay, monitored and connected to one another. I have to make sure that family is still family even when they are gone.

He said I got it from my mother who is the eldest of 8. But a part of me want to protest, how about me? What if I don't want to be a leader? I am the youngest in my family and supposedly the youngest are the one that is spoiled, self-centered and all but apparently not. I mean, none to any of me and my siblings, but in the natural order of things, the eldest is the leader and the rest should follow. But not with us.

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame anyone for my responsibility, but again, there are days you just want to lounge around, hang out, you know, stop and smell the flowers, be a bum.

I'm also human, in as much as I want to do things without complaining, I tend to feel tired and worn out at times that is why I hope for days like those.

There are days..

Four Years...

It was the middle of year 2010, I quit my job in 24/7. And since I cannot afford to be jobless for a while, a friend referred me to Teletech Customer Care Management, Philippines. 

August 02, 2010. First day of work. In a room of 20 hopeful trainess and 1 trainer, my life in Teletech began. A friend once told me, I am Miss Friendship, and I think even my Mama would attest to it. You can leave me not knowing anyone in one corner but few minutes after, I will manage to have a friend. 

Meet USCR 7. That's the name of my wave. They said training days are a bliss. You get paid without taking calls. So I enjoyed it as much as everybody did. 

That's us with Boss Mike and OM Aisha

By the time I hit the production, we were still a team. Fortunately, since we were one of the first few batches, we manage to have one team. But I was closest to the girls. But these four manage to leave an impact on my life. 

My Shupatembangs (Carla, Me, Glaiza, Urville and Anna)

These four were the closest to me among our wave. We all have our own differences, but we all have something in common, our Love to Travel. We all get giddy and excited whenever we would talk about our dream destination, dream adventure and other things. They were the major reason why it took me a while to decide leaving the company, because I did not only find my travel buddies there, but I found my real friends in them. 

Then the rigodon happened, we were all shuffled to different teams because of the change. I was so devastated then. I invested too much emotion on the team and the idea of being transferred to another one was too much for me to handle. 

meet Team Sharifa

Glaiza (one of the closest to me) knew Sam or Sharifa and she assured me I will be in good hands.. During my stay sa kanya, we were okay as supervisor and agent. Not until she has to be given a new set of agents. After I was transferred to another team, only then, Sam and I became friends. 

 Team Earl

Then there's Team Earl. Then we were transferred to Chat from Residential Billing. We all welcomed the change then... 

In Teletech, it is where I experienced my first out of the country trip, thanks to my shupatembangs who made it happen. It is where we managed to learn how we respond on things. 

at Ocean Park, Hong Kong

It is also in Teletech, I've been to other places I never thought I would go, get to experience what they had to offer, be a local or just enjoy how beautiful this world is. 

 me in Bato Springs, Quezon

The Ruins, Bacolod

 white water rafting in Cagayan De Oro

 some hotel in Macau

Abra De Ilog, Occidental Mindoro

in a cozy beach in Samar

And then, I had to be moved to another Team Leader. TL Cherry. I am getting used to the idea of being transferred from one leader to the other. It is in her team when I enjoyed being alone. Since we handle Chat service, we were not required to take calls unless the call volume would said so. 

this is our latest picture when we watched 50 shades of grey

I am happy to know that even though we were incomplete in the photo, and we are no longer team mates, we managed to see each other once in a while to have fun from time to time. 

And then, another change happened. Nalipat ako sa Connected Home. I had to be separated to the team again. Good thing, mababait at welcoming ang new team ko. at first, aside from being sabaw with the changes, super tinatamad na naman ako. Pero I was wrong. It turned out, the team I was moved to, were great. I found new set of friends.

Meet Jabe, Sasan and Dee.. Missing in photo na naman si ate Helen, hahaha! Anyways, mali na naman ako ng inakala na hindi ko sila makakasundo, dahil next thing I knew, sila ang karamay ko nung time na kabadong kabado ako if itutuloy ko pa ba ang pag alis o hindi. Medyo malala ang sepanx ko sa kanila dahil sumabay pa na nag change location ang office, nagkaroon ng rigodon, at may nakasabay ako na nagresign... Pero alam ko, hindi ko man sila makita ng madalas, friends pa din kaming lahat...

After four years of staying in the company, masasabi ko na sila ang dahilan why I stayed and also decided to leave. In as much as I want to be with them at all times, kailangan ko isipin na hindi na ako masaya sa trabaho. It took me a while to admit na walang nangyari sa akin sa apat na taon when it comes to my career. Marami man akong lugar na puntahan, marami man akong tao na makilala, hindi mawawala ang dahilan na walang nangyari sa career ko.

So, going back to my introduction... I quit. I decided to leave again. This time, I wanted to try if I can make it somewhere overseas, away from everyone. I wanted to start on a clean slate. Gusto ko ibalik yung dating personality ko na observer, yung lahat inaabsorb ko, yung dahilan bakit ako napansin na may potential ako. Gusto ko patunayan sa sarili ko na, kaya ko, at kakayanin ko.

Baon ang lahat ng natutunan ko sa Pilipinas, kaunting pocket money, maraming dasal, at sangkatutak na lakas ng loob at positivity, heto ako ngayon sa UAE. Nagbabakasakali. Nagbabakasakali sa bagong buhay.

So really, feeling ko naman ang buhay ko is not all about failure. Yes, I failed. Yes, I resigned. But I am trying to do something about it. Hindi ako nagpakain sa takot ko. This goes to everyone who got themselves in a mess too... That you can get out of it. We all can get out of it. We can all start again..


Love,

AngelSmile02

To my friends...

Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are.. 

I had a total of Seven Send Off Dinner/EatOut with my friends (not including the last one i had with my family), i was feeling anxious how things will turn out days before my flight.. After each of those despedida, i only have nothing on my heart except for love, hope, and positivity.

To my Shupatembang, Team Clingy, Friday Girls, Jaboom Twins, HS Barkada, Catie and Wackie and Team Sherr. Maraming salamat for you guys took the time to be with me.. You have no idea kung paano magpigil na huwag umiyak sa idea na pupunta ka sa isang lugar na wala kang kaibigan. Pero ginusto ko to, inumpisahan ko to, at papanindigan ko to. Hanggang sa muling pagkikita, sa susunod na gimik, at sa susunod na walwal moments mga kaibigan! Cheers! I love you all! 

Thoughts

Writing this while almost everyone is sleeping.. 

Ang dami dami pumapasok sa isip ko what will happen to me right after I get off from this plane. Pero one thing is certain, things will never be the same again. Umayon man o hindi sa plano ko, things will definitely change. 

Ginusto ko to eh. Inisip at pinlano ko to. Panindigan ko dapat di ba? I was asking for change. Itapon ang lahat ng naumpisahan sa Pilipinas. Hingang malalim. Kaya ko to. 

Cycle of Acceptance

Sometimes, those unexpected things would make you think or weigh your current situation. I was having coffee in a small cafe somewhere in Makati when I had the time to have a little reality check...

Naisip ko, yes, some would think I live a very colorful life. Ang dami kong nagawa, napuntahan, at na experience these past 8 years. Pero come to think of it, nothing much or baka nga nothing happened on my career since I started working. Nasan ako? Agent pa din sa call center. Bakit nga ba hindi ko inaspire to push for other position? Bakit nga ba hindi ako nag excel para mapansin ng management? Anong mali sa nagawa ko? Compare to my friends, parang walang nangyari sa akin. Masyado ba akong naging happy go lucky nitong mga nakaraan taon?

I remember one article I read online. First stage is DENIAL. This is not happening. This isn't true. I am not failing. It is the situation that is wrong, not me. Hay, dineny ko pa na yes, napabayaan ko nga siya. I took my career for granted. Inisip ko, I finish college, madami akong puwedeng aplayan after nito. Hindi ko inisip na 8 years and counting na pala akong in denial sa sitwasyon ko. Nakakahiya. Ang sarap ko sampalin.

Second stage is ANGER. Eto na ang iba't ibang klase ng angst ko. I detached myself from friends. Nagalit ako sa lahat kasi napagiwanan ako. Kung sino sino sinisi ko. To the point na pati politics pinagbuntunan ko ng galit. In short, nag pin point ako who to blame why this is happening.

Third stage is DEPRESSION. For me, there is a thin line between ANGER and DEPRESSION. After ko sisihin ang kung sino sino, na depress ako, mas pinili ko to deal things on my own. Good thing sana yun if I am doing it to improve or heal myself. Pero hindi, I was sulking over the idea that I sucked. I failed. Eto na ung mga eksena na nakakahiya, ano na lang iisipin ng mga kamaganak ko. Sabi ko nga, I finish college, I should be on top pero wala, nganga. Nakakahiya. I even wanted to  bury myself sa kahihiyan.

Fourth stage is BARGAINING. akala ko sa market lang to applicable pero sa buhay din pala. Eto ang start ng confusion ko. I have to weigh things literally. Dahil sa kapabayaan ko, I bargained things na dapat nakuha ko lahat kung hindi lang ako sinapian ng kapabayaan.

Final stage is ACCEPTANCE. My mama has always been our source of positivity. Even people around her can attest to it. I am my mother's daughter and I thank her for instilling in me that I should be able to surpass all this. I need to accept the fact na, i failed at this job, BUT just like a story, it has to end for new beginnings can come.

Why am I saying this? Walang nangyari sa career ko. Entry level kind of job na at my age hindi na dapat. Ayoko nang sisihin ang tinatawag na "Office Politics" na kesyo I don't want to kiss the bosses' ass kaya I am still here, na I don't want to be like them na kinakain na ng paninira sa iba makaangat lang. Saan ko nga ba uumpisahan ang change na gusto ko?

Sana this year, makuha ko na ang CHANGE na para sa akin. Sa Pilipinas man o hindi.

Being Fat and Fatbulous

November 30. Bonifacio Day. I have always been a fan of a man who fight for his cause, specially when I believe to their cause.

     I was having my morning coffee at a certain cafe along Edsa when I saw a woman, in her late twenties and is quite larger than the average. Or in short, MATABA. Nothing is wrong with her, physically just as I've thought. But some people who saw her, thinks otherwise. I was observing their reactions to the woman. Some just don't care at all, some just glance at her. What intrigued me was the reaction of these group, they were grinning from ear to ear, and to top it off, they were making fun of her weight. They were imitating the way she walk with exaggeration. The woman, noticed what they were doing and just walked away, embarrassed, her cheeks were red.

      I was left there, thinking. Why was she embarrassed? Why did they make fun of her? Why was she not doing anything? And why do those kids acted that way?

     Fat is an adjective. Fat is JUST a word. It should not define you, nor make you feel less about yourself. I, myself is also fat. I used to think that being fat is a hindrance. A hindrance for me to wear clothes, I wanna wear. Things, I want to do. Five years ago, gaining weight is a no no for me, that would be the end of my world. But I was wrong... Completely wrong... I shouldn't be thinking that way, I shouldn't be reacting that way.

     When I first noticed I was gaining weight, I went thru a lot of stages. Yes, just like break up (",). I was in denial first. I would joke around that I was just filling the space in my clothes. I tend to eat more whenever I feel mad about people teasing me about my weight. I was cynical too, I would also compare others to my body. Why are they like this and I'm not. It was bad.

     Until one day, my friend introduce me to this blog. The Plump Pinay. I didn't even know what the word Plump means until I googled it and learned its "well round" or "Chubby". It was Stacy and Danah Gutierrez who founded it. Two beautiful young ladies (they're younger than I am). The cynical in me thought "Hindi naman sila ganoon kataba for them to say that" But as I go over their blog, little by little, I am enlightened by their entries. How they wanted everyone to love their body, how they lifted each reader by reminding them how beautiful they are regardless of their sizes.

                                                 The Plump Pinay Stacy & Danah
                                                            Royal Plumpies
    
     These two girls reminded me, my size, the woman's size should not be a hindrance in achieving self confidence. I'm not saying that I was depressed with my weight, but there were days where you feel "blah" about yourself.

     My family from the mother side were also plus size. Nevertheless, I grew up thinking it is okay to be fat as long as your heart is healthy. I should not lose that principle.

     Present time, I find it disappointing to know how people tend to discriminate women who's size are not 0-2. Sometimes, I hate to admit it but media has something to do with this. Because of things they advertise they forgot the value of equality. That not everyone who's skinny is healthy and not everyone who's fat is also healthy.

 

     Let me qoute what the twins said,

"We have had enough-- enough with the stupid media that bombard very unnatural images that make us want to change every bit of our bodies. Enough with the Caucasian looking models that only make us want to hate our beautiful Filipina features. Enough suppressing our urges to eat good Filipino food just to look like the women shown by the advertisements in our country. ENOUGH. Not all people are meant to be thin as the media evoke"

     Again, Fat is just an adjective. We can all be fat and Fabulous. The word should not define you, nor make you feel less about yourself. And besides, with how advance the technology now is, everyone has a fair share of things, regardless of size.

     Now, let me go back to my opening, November 30 is Bonifacio Day. Andres Bonifacio is the man behind KKK. He fought for what he think what was right. I want to be like him, fighting for my right, fighting for equality., Let's all fight for our right, for our equality. Let's all try to have a small portion of Andres Bonifacio within us, we are after all a portion of his offspring right?

   
     Next time, someone would say you're Fat, just say thank you. It's not bad as it looks like. Positive thinking, gets positive results. (^_^)