Sometimes, those unexpected things would make you think or weigh your current situation. I was having coffee in a small cafe somewhere in Makati when I had the time to have a little reality check...
Naisip ko, yes, some would think I live a very colorful life. Ang dami kong nagawa, napuntahan, at na experience these past 8 years. Pero come to think of it, nothing much or baka nga nothing happened on my career since I started working. Nasan ako? Agent pa din sa call center. Bakit nga ba hindi ko inaspire to push for other position? Bakit nga ba hindi ako nag excel para mapansin ng management? Anong mali sa nagawa ko? Compare to my friends, parang walang nangyari sa akin. Masyado ba akong naging happy go lucky nitong mga nakaraan taon?
I remember one article I read online. First stage is DENIAL. This is not happening. This isn't true. I am not failing. It is the situation that is wrong, not me. Hay, dineny ko pa na yes, napabayaan ko nga siya. I took my career for granted. Inisip ko, I finish college, madami akong puwedeng aplayan after nito. Hindi ko inisip na 8 years and counting na pala akong in denial sa sitwasyon ko. Nakakahiya. Ang sarap ko sampalin.
Second stage is ANGER. Eto na ang iba't ibang klase ng angst ko. I detached myself from friends. Nagalit ako sa lahat kasi napagiwanan ako. Kung sino sino sinisi ko. To the point na pati politics pinagbuntunan ko ng galit. In short, nag pin point ako who to blame why this is happening.
Third stage is DEPRESSION. For me, there is a thin line between ANGER and DEPRESSION. After ko sisihin ang kung sino sino, na depress ako, mas pinili ko to deal things on my own. Good thing sana yun if I am doing it to improve or heal myself. Pero hindi, I was sulking over the idea that I sucked. I failed. Eto na ung mga eksena na nakakahiya, ano na lang iisipin ng mga kamaganak ko. Sabi ko nga, I finish college, I should be on top pero wala, nganga. Nakakahiya. I even wanted to bury myself sa kahihiyan.
Fourth stage is BARGAINING. akala ko sa market lang to applicable pero sa buhay din pala. Eto ang start ng confusion ko. I have to weigh things literally. Dahil sa kapabayaan ko, I bargained things na dapat nakuha ko lahat kung hindi lang ako sinapian ng kapabayaan.
Final stage is ACCEPTANCE. My mama has always been our source of positivity. Even people around her can attest to it. I am my mother's daughter and I thank her for instilling in me that I should be able to surpass all this. I need to accept the fact na, i failed at this job, BUT just like a story, it has to end for new beginnings can come.
Why am I saying this? Walang nangyari sa career ko. Entry level kind of job na at my age hindi na dapat. Ayoko nang sisihin ang tinatawag na "Office Politics" na kesyo I don't want to kiss the bosses' ass kaya I am still here, na I don't want to be like them na kinakain na ng paninira sa iba makaangat lang. Saan ko nga ba uumpisahan ang change na gusto ko?
Sana this year, makuha ko na ang CHANGE na para sa akin. Sa Pilipinas man o hindi.
